Day 16: An Ode to the Scary Movie

Sometimes when I need to clear my mind of all relevant thought I jump on Pinterest and see what goodies the internet has to offer. I was browsing the Halloween section and came upon a pair of quotes which read, “Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?” The other was, “I love how in scary movies the person yells out hello. As if the bad guy is gonna be like yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Wanna sandwich?” After I stopped laughing I thought about it, because both of these things are relevant in my family.

Since I watch an absurdly large amount of film and TV I also pick up weird ticks from said films and TV shows. Things like, whenever I get in an elevator I immediately check the ceiling to see how I can best escape from it if the power goes out because international terrorists have seized the Nakatomi building. I won’t go more than 10 feet out into the ocean because that’s where Jaws lives. I absolutely refused to go to summer camp. I listen for banjos if I’m trekking in the woods, when I fly I look for things on the wings of the plane, I’m pretty sure that some sort of monster will come out of the bathtub drain while I’m in it, the answer to who ya gonna call is always Ghostbusters, and if the picture on my TV screen ever turns to snow I will push you out of the way in my haste to run very far, very fast.

I am also prone to checking behind the shower curtain, under the bed and in closets for intruders, and now that you mention it, I don’t really have a plan for any of these scenarios. I think the sum total of my thought process is as follows. 1) I think there is something behind the shower curtain. Why? Because TV and movies have told me that there might be. Has there ever been someone lurking behind the shower curtain? No. So why do I check? 2) To make sure that I really am right and that there is in fact, no one behind the shower curtain. 3) Hold breath and check. The holding of the breath part is really important for obvious sneaky reasons, because said beastie or evil doer totally didn’t see me turn on the light or hear me stomping into the bathroom, or brushing my teeth. So the holding of the breath ensures stealth activity. 4) See that no one or thing is there and feel smug that I once again evaded certain doom and go off to watch another scary movie.

If ever there was to be someone or something lurking behind the shower curtain it would probably follow thusly. 1) Check behind shower curtain (remember to hold breath). 2) Find someone or something behind shower curtain. 3) Keep holding breath, and pull shower curtain slowly back into original position. 4) Know that that the flimsy piece of plastic with ducks on it will act as an impenetrable barrier that the someone or something will never be able to breach. 5) Let breath out, scream and run away very fast, move to another city in another country and never take a shower ever again. Either that or I would stand there dumbstruck that there actually was someone in my shower. Then I would try to poke them to see if they were real. Or I would just flee in abject terror. Yeah, probably the last bit.

Then there is the second quote. My mother fell prey to this all the time. I would walk into the house at any time of the night or day and she would say “Rebecca is that you?” and I would inform her no, I’m an alien from the planet Zorg come to steal her Skittles. She would say ok and go back to watching TV. My answer always changed but hers didn’t. One time I asked her, ma, what would you do if I wasn’t the one that answered? She didn’t have a response. It’s funny how we go through life with all these little ingrained ticks and behaviors but we don’t stop to think why we do them. Sure, when she asks if it is me, she is just checking. But really, what’s the follow through on that scenario? Unless you are trained for those specific action plans, what really are you going to do? Most likely we stand and stare and look dumb. Which leads me to my next topic, being an A1, grade A, veteran armchair scary movie quarterback.

The reason that I like scary movies is that I can mock the people in them for their poor choices all the while safely ensconced in my chair with a fuzzy blanket where no monsters are going to get me. I can berate the heroes and the cannon fodder for asking stupid questions like “Ralph, is that you?” or Hey, we’re home alone and heard an odd sound from the dark basement, who wants to go down and look. Watching a scary movie can make us look brave in comparison. We can be scared on our own terms and live to tell the tale. Sharknado, yeah I survived that. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, please, I see right through them. And Predator, those alien hunters don’t stand a chance against me.

But that’s what so good about the best scary/horror/monster movies, they make us think. They show us what the “monster” is and we get to conquer a fear. We get to live to tell the tale. We see the thing we are afraid of and we come out the other side. You can’t tell me that the Stepford Wives isn’t a horror film, I mean the clothes alone are frightening not to mention the social commentary. But why are we afraid of zombies and werewolves? There are actually whole studies devoted to such things and they aren’t as hokey as you think. I once took a class on the Dracula myth and it was fascinating. And did you know that the Frankenstein monster was born out of the fear that science was starting to take the place of God. How does one confront that fear, you tell a story about it. Now-a-days all we see is some big green monster with bolts who tap dances or sells us candy, but at the time it gave voice to a legitimate concern. As a society we conquered the monster and moved on. Or did we?

So what do we fear now? What does that fear say about us or the current situation? Zombies seem to be the hot monster of the month, brainless automatons that consume and consume and consume without satiation or regard. Hmmm, sound familiar? When they first came out, zombies were slow plodding things that could easily be outrun. I like those zombies. They make me feel safe and superior. Granted, they don’t have to sleep and are a bit single minded, but still. Now the zombies are fast. Like Usain Bolt fast. That freaks me out. I like my slow zombies. Slow zombies give me a false sense of comfort that I can reasonably outrun them. But fast zombies mirror the culture. We zoom and flit. We want more, more, more and we are never full. Hmmm.

So, the next time you shrug off a monster film as being dumb, stop and think about it. I’m not saying all of them are high art, but they are scary for a reason. And for the love of Mike, if you hear an odd noise in the middle of the night, whatever you do, don’t ask “who’s there? ;)

Day 14: The One Where I Teach You Stuff

October  is a very multifaceted month. There is the scary, the snugly, the beautiful, the tasty and the fun. I like to add one more to that mix, the contemplative. October always gets my creative juices flowing, or maybe it’s just the moon. I think deep thoughts. I reminisce. I imagine. Along with nostalgia, I also like to think about the why questions, and what better time to ponder them than October 13^th, or since I’m a day late, the 14^th.

This year the 13th fell on a Sunday, which is fine, but it still gets me to thinking, specifically about superstitions. The definition of superstition as Webster gives it is threefold. 1) a belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge, in or of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, proceeding or the like. 2) a system or collection of such beliefs 3) a custom or act based on such a belief.

Being a geeky history major (and proud of it) I like to examine why things are the way they are. I don't just like to do things cuz that's the way they have always been done. I want the back story so I can make an informed decision. Superstitions, fairy tales, legend, story, song, myth, all of these can tell you a lot about a population or a person. It can give you an insight into what they believe and why and a glimpse into daily life.

Since this is October, let me give you a suitable example. Take the vampire. In the lovely olden days of yore, vampires were not the romantic heroes they are now. Vampires were agents of evil who looked like something a cat coughed up and smelled even worse. They were misshapen, had claws and lived in squalor. The superstition centering on them came about because these early ancestors didn't know much about corpses and lividity. If someone died you buried them and didn't poke around to see what made them tick. Doing that sort of thing got you burned at the stake or worse.

Unfortunately, not being inquisitive left them ignorant to the fact that corpses do move. They also make sounds. Even knowing this, if I was in a morgue with the recently deceased and an arm moved or the body made a noise I might think it was something undead and be fearful as well. Anyway, from this ignorance came about the idea that some people had the capability to come back to life after they died. So what do you do to someone who used to be living, died and then seemingly came back? Well, you got a very large bit of wood and rammed it into their chest, or you cut off their head. That seemed to be the catch all solution. Of course with gases and such, the body might emit a noise upon "expiring" the second time thus giving credence to the belief that the being was a member of the undead. Thus a superstition and legend were born.

Now that we in the thoroughly modern future know all about corpse behavior, the fable of the vampire has changed significantly. What once was a dark evil doer who was bent on destruction is now suddenly a power symbol. Where once it was a foul fiend who lived in caves, we have Armani wearing socialites who live in mansions. Modern man has changed the vampire myth into a story of power and not fear. In our quest to retain youth and vigor (plastic surgery, cryo sleep) we have traded in the fear of the vampire for admiration. It is funny to see how society has changed the superstition to fit the mindset. If you showed a pitch fork wielding villager from the middle ages a vampire film today (assuming they wouldn't totally be freaked out by the whole motion picture process) they would think we were nuts. See, isn't history fascinating.

The same can be said with fairy tales. When the Grimm's wrote their stories originally, they were capturing and collecting the tales that ordinary folk told around the fire. These were not nice stories. They were cautionary tales. Don't trust strangers, don't go into the woods, animals are dangerous, beware things you don't understand. The tales are dark and most do not end well. But that is the point. You learn from the characters mistakes so that you don’t have to make them. In the original Grimm fairy tale, Snow White's prince is a lustful jerk. Snow tortures the queen on her (Snow's) wedding day until the queen dies. There is no wake up kiss. People back then were not so much concerned with true love. Kings and queens were not to be trusted. Again, we see things differently. We look at the true love aspect. The hopeful, everything will work out aspect, because that is the world we live in. If you wait long enough, or stumble upon the right circumstances you too can find true love and a castle waiting for you around the corner. I'm pretty sure the past century villagers would laugh at us, and then poke us with a pitchfork for showing them moving pictures.

In one of my favorite scary movies, a museum is hosting a superstition exhibit (so you know everyone is pretty much doomed from the get go). Every time I watch it I get excited. Not to see people get eaten by beasties, but because I would love to see such an exhibit in real life. In the movie, guests have to walk into the mouth of a giant sculpture and follow a roped off path. Along the path they must walk under a room full of open umbrellas, walk under fully opened ladders, and walk across the path of a room full of fake black cats. There are also a room of broken mirrors and cracks along the path that one can't help but step on. Somewhere along the way there is an exhibit dedicated to the King Tut expedition (The cursed dig that claimed the lives of all who opened the tomb.) In the film I think you have to walk over the boy kings grave. I would LOVE to see a live feed of those paths. How many people would walk in without fear, and how many would try to find an alternate path, or not go in at all?

Even if you are not a superstitious person, you can still find yourself being drawn in. Why? I think because it is a human reaction. If you have a bunch of people who are afraid of something, I think your body just reacts. It may not seem sensible or logical, but the combined anxiety of a certain thing happening just seeps into our pores and we go along.

Athletes have lucky socks, shoes, bats, gloves, uniforms, pre-game routines, all because they think they will help them win a game. And to an extent they might. It is a roundabout form of meditation, a way to ready yourself. But it is still superstition. We all do it. We cross our fingers, we go a certain route, and we see a penny and pick it up. We read a fortune or horoscope and believe it. If a good thing happened once when we did a certain thing, perhaps it will happen again. Superstition is our way of making sense of things we don't understand. It is our way to exert a little control over the uncontrollable.

As a historian I find superstition endlessly fascinating. I have books about superstitions and mostly they make me laugh. I think, how odd, or who would be silly enough to believe that. But then again, I yell at characters on my TV screen and pretend that they can hear me and make changes accordingly. "No you fool, don't go into that room, the monster is in there. Run. RUN." They haven't listened to me yet, but I still keep on yelling. I guess they deserve to get eaten ;) Superstitions can truly be fascinating things. I'll bet you didn't even realize that. 

What are some of the superstitions in your life? I'll bet you have more than you think.

Day 10: Monstrous Musings

Yesterday was windy and blustery and lent itself well to curling up by the fire and reading a little October literature, so I dug out my big box of October books and did just that. I rediscovered all sorts of treasures, especially a poem titled ‘The Werewolves Den.’ It is found in a book called Scarum Fair (awesome title by the way) by Jessica Swaim.  I think a little poetry is just what Doctor Jeckyll ordered for today’s October Thought.

The Werewolves Den

Are you sick from too much I-Scream?

Is the carnival too loud?

Then curl up in our den awhile,

escape the raucous crowd.

If you'll come a little closer, 

we will nibble on your nose,

we'll lick your hands, your face, your ears

your scrumptious little toes.

Like our friendly canine cousins,

we're a cute and cuddly bunch. 

Just think of us as puppies, 

and we'll think of you as....lunch.

This poem is what made me buy the book in the first place. On the page where this poem is, is an illustration of were-puppies getting ready to nibble on a boys toes. Trust me, it isn't a scary picture, it is really quite funny and cute, and frankly, if the kid was dumb enough to go into a werewolves den in the middle of a creepy carnival then he deserves to be dinner. 

Three tiny paragraphs and I'm hooked. First of all, I hate, hate, hate werewolves. They creep me out to no end which is why reading about them is so fun.  Odd how my mind works, isn't it. If I was the child in this poem I would in no way, shape or form trundle off to a werewolves den. Firstly, talking animals are not to be trusted. Secondly, if a carnival is too loud, I am going back to my nice cozy home where there is a bubble bath and cookies. Thirdly, NO WEREWOLVES. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, just run. Run far, run fast and toss dog treats or other innocent civilians behind you to slow them down.

They tell the child in the second paragraph that they are going to nibble on him. I mean, have some sort of sense of self-preservation kid. But that last line, so funny. Yup, that kid totally gets what he deserves.

But now that I think about it, my puppy does the exact same thing. His favorite pastime is chewing on my fingers. And he does lick me a lot.....aww man, I have a were-puppy who is going to nibble me in my sleep. I guess there are worse ways to go and like I said, I suppose I deserve what I get.

While I was reading other poems in the Scarum Fair my mind wandered and I got around to wondering how would a mummy handle a spa day? I mean, if it signed up for the seaweed wrap, would it use fresh bandages or put the new ones on top of the old? How would the spa attendant react to wrapping or unwrapping a mummy? I'll bet there would be a lot of hazard pay involved. This is just one of the many things I ponder about monsters. Like can vampires tell the difference between blood types? Is one spicier than another? Does the werewolf see a doctor or a vet? How does the Frankenstein monster buy clothes when all his parts come from different people? Would living in a really big aquarium be considered living in a condo for the Creature from the Black Lagoon? I'll bet the people at the fair could tell me. So many questions. So few answers. Sigh.

October Thought Day 2: Monsters, Part 1

The thought for today is about monsters, all sorts of random thoughts about them. Let's call it part one.

For instance, how cool would it be to go to a monster's party? To just casually hang out with all of your scary favorites like you were one of the gang. (Sometimes I have Medusa hair in the morning, so it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for me.) Would you be scared or excited to attend? Would you be an honored guest, or the main entrée/entertainment? Would you get nervous standing next to the Wolf Man, especially if he had something in his teeth? How cool would it be to do the Monster Mash with Frankenstein or hang out at the punch bowl with the creature from the Black Lagoon. What kind of games would you play at a monster's party? What would Twister look like with a hydra? Or a trivia night with the Sphinx. Or Hide and Seek with the Invisible Man. And what would they serve for refreshments? Hmm, better not dwell on that one too long. I think I've been watching Hotel Transylvania too much. Is it wrong that I have a fictitious place on my bucket list?

When I was looking at October décor last month I came across the most wonderful item. It was for a Halloween village and it was a miniature bumper car set that actually worked and had monsters driving the cars. I stood there and watched Dracula side-swipe Frankenstein and then get rear ended by the Mummy. It was AWESOME! I came thisclose to buying it, but if I had, I would have ceased to be a productive human being for the rest of the month. I absolutely know that I would just sit and watch the tiny monsters bump each other all day and daydream that I was in the miniature with them. But I mean, HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE! Going to an amusement park with monsters. I'll bet you would never have to wait in line. Unless it was a monster amusement park. But where would the fun be in that? They'd probably do mundane stuff like balance checkbooks or bake quiche. At my amusement park Dracula could hypnotize the carnival workers into giving me the giant stuffed toys, and I would feel totally safe being in the haunted house with Frankenstein. Nothing would dare jump out at us. And just imagine a roller coaster full of monsters. I am getting all giggly just thinking about it.

But back to the party theme, what if the monsters had a ball? What would the invitations look like? Would they be in fancy silver calligraphy and delivered by bats in top hats? Would a jolly jester turn summersaults and juggle them right up to my doorstep? Perhaps the Headless Horseman would deliver one and it would be in the form of a jack o' lantern that actually spoke the invitation. What would I wear to such a fabulous event and how would I travel? Would I wear a gossamer gown that was woven by spiders and looked like moonlight. Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein would go with me to get my hair done. Perhaps I would ride in a pumpkin carriage like Cinderella. Or be picked up in a hearse driven by a gargoyle. I know the party would be held at Castle Dracula and Igor would answer the door, or else a very stately zombie butler. I can just see the sconces and torchlight. The tasteful cobwebs, the specially tuned creaky doors and the paintings where the eyes follow you everywhere. It would indeed be a night to remember.

But why is it when we think of monsters they never live in the suburbs? Perhaps because that thought might be a bit too frightening. No, monsters live in easily identifiable houses that scream beware. Everyone knows they are either in secluded areas, falling down houses, or on top of mountains. But what if these monsters had a condo and Wi-Fi? Imagine a sleek ultra modern bachelor pad with a Roomba and killer stereo system. What would the Dominoes guy say when he delivered an extra anchovy pizza and a lizard man answered the door? Which gets me thinking, what would hipster monsters look like? Would the Wolf Man have a man bun, or Frankenstein wear glasses? Would Dracula go steampunk or the Mummy be into urban renewal and composting? I think I just scared myself.

I like my monsters just the way they are. I like the black and white, the tradition, the bolts and bats and capes. I like my castles without modern conveniences and with an abundance of creepy cellars. I like old fashioned carriages and telegrams rather than cell phones. Yes, I like my monsters just the way they are, and I wouldn't have them any other way. And if I ever do get to attend a monster's ball, I'll be sure to tell you all about it. Probably.

Day 19: My Favorite Monster

I am once again sitting out on the back porch, typing with my feet propped up against the fire grate. The flames are orangey-yellow with purple tinges and the full moon is big and bright over me. A little while ago, the neighbor girls started howling at the moon and I didn't want them to feel left out, so I howled back. It soon turned into a contest to see who could howl the longest and loudest. They did quite a good job. I am rather impressed. Now they have been sent in to bed and I am left with a bunch of howling neighborhood dogs who were very bothered by our yowling chorus. In short, it is another perfect October night.

But it gets me to thinking. Here it is, nineteen days into my favorite month and I have barely written about monsters. What better time than tonight! I love October monsters. I love the classics, I love the weird, I love the things that go bump in the night. My favorite monster of all is Frankenstein. I really couldn't say why. I think because he is the most misunderstood. Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible man did it to themselves. The mummy was cursed. I am scared of werewolves so the Wolfman is out and I have an irrational fear of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I have always loved vampires, but that is a hipster post for another day. But Franky, he is a gentle giant. And if you read the original story, he is quite philosophical. Which is probably why I like him so much. And, to set the record straight, his name is NOT Frankenstein, he is called Frankenstein's Monster. He doesn't even merit a name. But I call him Franky anyway. How sad to not even have a name.

I love that his is pieced together and has big clunky shoes. I love his bolts and his greenish tinge. I love that his bride has gravity defying hair with a white streak and I love that he has partied with Abbott and Costello as well as sung Putting on the Ritz. He is a rather versatile monster.

But Franky isn't the only grisly ghoul that I love come October time. If you get into the natural world of October scaring there are black cats and toads, rats, spiders and snakes. But my favorite of the natural monsters is bats. I love that they use sonar. I love their shill squeaks. I love their leathery wings. Bats are just cool. They are right up there with platypuses. Weird and wonderful. I have a whole decoration box full of bats. (not the real kind that would be too creepy even for me) One of my favorite decorations is a fat stuffed bat with a bow tie that I call Batly. I know, not original, but I got him when I was 4 and it was the best I could come up with. At our old house he graced the front entrance hall doorway. He was a very dapper way to great guests. He was later joined by a rather rotund brown bat who lived in my room and a silk bat (also with a bow tie) who hung from our chandelier.

When I was quite small, a cartoon movie came out called The Great Mouse Detective. In it, there were a pair of rodents who were supposed to mimic Sherlock Holmes and Watson. But it was the gangster bat that I loved. He scared the pants off of me. I had nightmares for weeks. He had a cockney cap and a peg leg and a wicked snarl. I still get goose bumps when I watch it even now. But I love that bat.

After him came Bartok from Anastasia. What better character to have in a Christmas film about lost Russian royalty, than a wise cracking bat. He has some great one liners and I was able to procure a stuffed version of him in a McDonald's happy meal. I love him dearly.

Other than the giant vampire bats in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Batman, there have not been any other bats that I love to date. Today however, I ran into a rather fabulous stuffed black bat at the craft store. I didn't have enough pennies today to purchase him, but before the month is over, he will be mine. He will be right at home with my bat cereal, bat shirt and bat socks. As well as his other stuffed friends.

Yup, October monsters are rather wonderful. What is your favorite?