October Thought Day 9: An Ode to the Scary Movie

Sometimes when I need to clear my mind of all relevant thought I jump on Pinterest and see what goodies the internet has to offer. I was browsing the Halloween section and came upon a pair of quotes which read as follows, “Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?” The other was, “I love how in scary movies the person yells out hello. As if the bad guy is gonna be like yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Wanna sandwich?” And after I stopped laughing I thought about it, because both of these things are relevant in my family.

Since I watch an absurdly large amount of film and TV I also pick up weird ticks from said film and TV shows. Things like, whenever I get in an elevator I immediately check the roof to see how I can best escape from it if the power goes out because international terrorists have seized the Nakatomi building. I won’t go more than 10 feet out into the ocean because that’s where Jaws lives. I absolutely refused to go to summer camp. I listen for banjos if I’m trekking in the woods, when I fly I look for things on the wings of the plane, I have an irrational fear of the abominable snowman and werewolves, I’m pretty sure that some sort of monster will come out of the bathtub drain while I’m in it, the answer to who ya gonna call is always Ghostbusters, and if the picture on my TV screen ever turns to snow I will push you out of the way in my haste to run very far, very fast.

I am also prone to checking behind the shower curtain, under the bed and in closets for intruders. And now that you mention it, I don’t really have a plan for any of these scenarios. I think the sum total of my thought process is as follows. 1) I think there is something behind the shower curtain. Why? Because TV and movies have told me that there might be. Has there ever been someone lurking behind the shower curtain? No. So why do I check? 2) To make sure that I really am right and that there is in fact, no one behind the shower curtain. 3) Hold breath and check. The holding the breath part is really important for obvious sneaky reasons, because said beastie totally didn’t see me turn on the light or hear me stomping into the bathroom, or brushing my teeth. So the holding of the breath ensures stealth activity. 4) See that no one or thing is there and feel smug that I once again evaded certain doom and go off to watch another scary movie.

If ever there was to be someone or something lurking behind the shower curtain it would probably follow thusly. 1) Check behind shower curtain (remember to hold breath). 2) Find someone or something behind shower curtain. 3) Keep holding breath, and pull shower curtain back into original position. 4) Know that that the flimsy piece of plastic with ducks on it will act as an impenetrable barrier that the someone or something will never be able to breach. 5) Let breath out , scream and run away very fast, move to another city in another country and never take a shower ever again. Either that or I would stand there dumbstruck that there actually was someone in my shower. Then I would try to poke them to see if they were real. Or I would just flee in abject terror. Yeah, probably the last bit.

Then there is the second quote. My mother falls prey to this all the time. I walk in the house at any time of the night or day and she says “Rebecca is that you?” and I inform her no, I’m an alien from the planet Zorg come to steal her Skittles. She says ok and goes back to watching TV. My answer always changes but hers doesn’t. One time I asked her, ma, what would you do if I wasn’t the one that answered? She didn’t have a response. It’s funny how we go through life with all these little ingrained ticks and behaviors but we don’t stop to think why we do them. Sure, when she asks if it is me, she is just checking. But really, what’s the follow through on that scenario? Unless you are trained for those specific action plans, what actually are you going to do? Most likely we stand and stare and look dumb. Which leads me to my next topic, being an A1, grade A, veteran armchair scary movie quarterback.

The reason that I like scary movies is that I can mock the people in them for their poor choices all the while safely ensconced in my chair with a fuzzy blanket where no monsters are going to get me. I can berate the heroes and the cannon fodder for asking stupid questions like “Ralph, is that you?” or Hey, we’re home alone and heard an odd sound from the dark basement, who wants to go down and look. Watching a scary movie can make us look brave in comparison. We can be scared on our own terms and live to tell the tale. Sharknado, yeah I survived that. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, please, I see right through them. And Predator, those alien hunters don’t stand a chance against me.

But that’s what so good about the best scary/horror/monster movies, they make us think. They show us what the “monster” is and we get to conquer a fear. We get to live to tell the tale. We see the thing we are afraid of and we come out the other side. You can’t tell me that the Stepford Wives isn’t a horror film for obvious reasons, I mean the clothes alone not to mention the social commentary. But why are we afraid of zombies and werewolves? There are actually whole studies devoted to such things and they aren’t as hokey as you think. I once took a class on the Dracula myth and it was fascinating. And did you know that the Frankenstein monster was born out of the fear that science was starting to take the place of God. How does one confront that fear, you tell a story about it. Now-a-days all we see is some big green monster with bolts who tap dances or sells us candy, but at the time it gave voice to a legitimate concern. As a society we conquered the monster and moved on. Or did we?

So what do we fear now? What does that fear say about us or the current situation? Zombies seem to be the hot monster of the month. Brainless automatons that consume and consume and consume without satiation or regard. Hmmm, sound familiar? When they first came out, zombies were slow plodding things that could easily be outrun. I like those zombies. Granted, they don’t have to sleep and are a bit single minded, but still. Now the zombies are fast. Like Usain Bolt fast. That freaks me out. I like my slow zombies. Slow zombies make me feel safe I can reasonably outrun them. But fast zombies mirror the culture. We zoom and flit. We want more, more, more and we are never full. Hmmm.

So, the next time you shrug off a monster film as being dumb, stop and think about it. I’m not saying all of them are high art, but they are scary for a reason. And for the love of Mike, if you hear an odd noise in the middle of the night, whatever you do, don’t ask “who’s there? ;)