Yesterday I promised myself that I was not going to write about corn mazes again. This morning I promised myself that I was not going to write about corn mazes again. On the way to my third corn maze I promised myself that I was not going to write about corn mazes again. Once I was in the corn maze I.....well, you get the picture. It seems I just can't help myself. I really would have spared you another corn maze story, but this one, this was a set up to rival all others and I just can't keep such a wonderful October day to myself.
I set off early this morning directions in hand, ready for a new adventure. I had heard of this maze before but never gone. I was quite looking forward to it and my excitement was not without merit. Just turning down the main street to the place had me all aflutter. And once it came into view, I almost caused a minor traffic incident. The place was massive. It was like the Costco of corn mazes. There were a plethora of things to do and at ten o'clock in the morning the lot was already half full. By the time I left there must have been at least six or seven hundred people present, maybe even more. The sheer swarm of humanity made me think of Disneyland, but out in the middle of nowhere....and with corn.
I bought an all day pass which entitled me to try all the attractions and you had better believe that I partook. There was a sign post after the entrance that pointed to all the different areas. I wanted to do everything at once. But since I was there for the maze, I tried it first.
The small maze was over a mile and a half and I'm pretty sure I walked two or three. I was having so much fun I just kept going around and around and trying directions that I had missed.The attendant at the opening gave me a map to follow but I didn't pay it any mind until I got to the first checkpoint. It seems there were twelve total and you had to get a different hole punch at each. That set off my inner Indiana Jones and I KNEW that I had to fill up that card. Along the way I got to listen to other people walking around the maze. Most of the conversations centered on how lost they were. One was about someone building a house and another was a business deal. It is pretty funny. Corn is not concrete, other people can hear what you are saying.
I could see the zip line from various points in the maze and it looked like a guard tower. It was magnificent. I kept thinking it was a zombie lookout station. Then I got to thinking what would happen if everyone got turned into zombies while I was in the maze. What on earth would I do? What would I do if there were zombies in the maze? It was a pretty fun way to pass the time. The other in maze entertainment was a maintenance worker who was driving an ATV around the perimeter. There was an access road that went through and near the maze and he would go by with his siren on (reinforcing my zombie apocalypse fears) or he would drive by with this crazy laugh. I have no idea what he was doing, but it was pretty funny. Especially the siren bit.
For the big maze I decided to actually use the map that they provided. It was so much fun to see exactly where I was going, especially because the theme for the maze was Jurassic Maze and the small maze was a raptor and the big maze was a t-rex. So while I was traversing the big maze I would stop and realize, hey, I'm in the teeth right now. Now I'm in a claw. Trust me, it was way cooler than I make it sound. I did get all twelve of the holes punched and I did a little victory dance after I got the last one.
I have also decided that I need a new vocation. I need to be a professional corn maze guide. I got asked for directions five times today even though I wasn't a staff member. And amazingly enough I knew what directions to give each time. Yes, there was a map, but if you weren't really paying attention it was easy to go off in some weird direction. And if corn maze guide isn't a thing, then I think I need to be a professional corn maze critic. I can travel the world experiencing corn mazes and writing reviews of them. I would have even more fun than I do now. I would become world famous for my corn maze critiques and would write a surprise best seller. Ok, I seriously need to find this job.
But back to my adventures. Once my spaghetti legs finished the second maze it was time to visit the snack bar. They had everything you could ever want out at a corn maze. Cider, hot chocolate, water, cider donuts, fries, tater tots, candied apples, hot dogs, hamburgers, I could keep listing but really just imagine a county fair and you get the idea. And when the sign says you get your fries in a bucket, you really do get them in a bucket.
After that pit stop I decided to take it easy and ride the cow train. I was the only adult on this particular ride but my aching feet didn't care. From my vantage point in my bumpy cow I surveyed the other attractions. While on the slowest cow train ride known to man I had time to ponder and I have come to the conclusion that adults need to get over the adultishness and have more fun. Why do the kids get all the rides? They had an amazing corn kernel box that you could climb in and fiddle with the corn. It was like a ball bit with teeny tiny balls. It looked like amazing fun, and even though there was no sign saying adults couldn't go in, only kids were in the box. I didn't want to be the weirdo adult who climbed in and started making corn angels so I had to leave that one alone. I'm still bitter about it. There was also a really cool chain swing that was just for kids that I would have loved to go on. Down with adult discrimination I say. We like bouncy houses just as much as the next kid.
But don't feel too sad for me though, I did get to go on this trampoline thing that required a harness. You were attached to two poles and the attendant had control of some sort of switch. I have no idea what it did, maybe made me bounce higher I don't know I was too excited to listen but I bounced like earth had no gravity. I sling-shoted up into the air and then gave a mighty bounce and did it again and again and again. I was so sorry that I had to get off. But there was a line of kids waiting.
After getting my bounce on I headed over to the mechanical bull. I have always wanted to ride one but my vertigo and sense of self preservation says no. I had no such qualms today and since no one else was on it or in line I asked the attendant if he could put it on the slowest setting and give me a go. He agreed and I took my very first ride. Now I'm not going to win any rodeos, but me and my geriatric bull had some fun. I waved my hands around, took the heckling of some passers by who said I should kick it up a notch and generally enjoyed myself. I wish I had had a cowboy hat or someone to record me. It must have been pretty funny to see me going .1 mile an hour, but I loved it.
Since I stayed on my bull and felt pretty tough I decided to go save the world from the undead. At the maze they had a separate section where you could go shoot zombies with paintballs Zombies....paintballs....I'm IN. Let's just say, my fears of being overrun were highly unfounded. You can all thank me because as of 12:01 this afternoon, the world is now safe from the undead hoard. You're welcome world. They don't call me Crack Shot McGillacutty for nothing. Ok, they don't but they sure could.
All that zombie killing had me thirsting for even more adventure so I made my final ride the zip line. They are very serious about their zip line safety at this place which I greatly appreciated. I had a safety lecture and had to wear a harness and everything. It made me feel very secure and official. I hooted and hollered and waved at the people in the maze as I zipped by and really hoped that I wouldn't hit the concrete blocks at the end. I survived and went one more time just to make sure that I had really, really liked it the first time. Yup, I did.
After the zip line was done the place was so jam packed that it was getting a bit less fun to be there so I opted to head home. I still have a smile on my face from all my adventures and I can't wait to do it all again next year. I now have a new favorite maze to patronize. Besides, someone has to keep the world safe from zombies and it might as well be me.
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