Sometimes when I need to clear my mind of all relevant thought I jump on Pinterest
and see what goodies the internet has to offer. I was browsing the Halloween
section and came upon a pair of quotes which read, “Dear paranoid
people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers, if you do find one,
what's your plan?” The other was, “I love how in scary movies the person yells
out hello. As if the bad guy is gonna be like yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Wanna
sandwich?” After I stopped laughing I thought about it, because both of
these things are relevant in my family.
Since I watch an absurdly large amount of film and TV I also pick up weird ticks
from said films and TV shows. Things like, whenever I get in an elevator I
immediately check the ceiling to see how I can best escape from it if the power
goes out because international terrorists have seized the Nakatomi building. I
won’t go more than 10 feet out into the ocean because that’s where Jaws lives.
I absolutely refused to go to summer camp. I listen for banjos if I’m trekking
in the woods, when I fly I look for things on the wings of the plane, I’m
pretty sure that some sort of monster will come out of the bathtub drain while
I’m in it, the answer to who ya gonna call is always Ghostbusters, and if the
picture on my TV screen ever turns to snow I will push you out of the way in my
haste to run very far, very fast.
I am also prone to checking behind the shower curtain, under the bed and in
closets for intruders, and now that you mention it, I don’t really have a plan
for any of these scenarios. I think the sum total of my thought process is as
follows. 1) I think there is something behind the shower curtain. Why? Because
TV and movies have told me that there might be. Has there ever been someone
lurking behind the shower curtain? No. So why do I check? 2) To make sure that
I really am right and that there is in fact, no one behind the shower curtain.
3) Hold breath and check. The holding of the breath part is really important for
obvious sneaky reasons, because said beastie or evil doer totally didn’t see me
turn on the light or hear me stomping into the bathroom, or brushing my teeth.
So the holding of the breath ensures stealth activity. 4) See that no one or
thing is there and feel smug that I once again evaded certain doom and go off
to watch another scary movie.
If ever there was to be someone or something lurking behind the shower
curtain it would probably follow thusly. 1) Check behind shower curtain
(remember to hold breath). 2) Find someone or something behind shower curtain.
3) Keep holding breath, and pull shower curtain slowly back into original position. 4)
Know that that the flimsy piece of plastic with ducks on it will act as an
impenetrable barrier that the someone or something will never be able to breach.
5) Let breath out, scream and run away very fast, move to another city in
another country and never take a shower ever again. Either that or I would
stand there dumbstruck that there actually was someone in my shower. Then I
would try to poke them to see if they were real. Or I would just flee in abject
terror. Yeah, probably the last bit.
Then there is the second quote. My mother fell prey to this all the time. I
would walk into the house at any time of the night or day and she would say
“Rebecca is that you?” and I would inform her no, I’m an alien from the planet
Zorg come to steal her Skittles. She would say ok and go back to watching TV. My
answer always changed but hers didn’t. One time I asked her, ma, what would you
do if I wasn’t the one that answered? She didn’t have a response. It’s funny
how we go through life with all these little ingrained ticks and behaviors but
we don’t stop to think why we do them. Sure, when she asks if it is me, she is
just checking. But really, what’s the follow through on that scenario? Unless
you are trained for those specific action plans, what really are you going to
do? Most likely we stand and stare and look dumb. Which leads me to my next
topic, being an A1, grade A, veteran armchair scary movie quarterback.
The reason that I like scary movies is that I can mock the people in them
for their poor choices all the while safely ensconced in my chair with a fuzzy
blanket where no monsters are going to get me. I can berate the heroes and the
cannon fodder for asking stupid questions like “Ralph, is that you?” or Hey,
we’re home alone and heard an odd sound from the dark basement, who wants to go
down and look. Watching a scary movie can make us look brave in comparison. We
can be scared on our own terms and live to tell the tale. Sharknado, yeah I
survived that. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, please, I see right through
them. And Predator, those alien hunters don’t stand a chance against me.
But that’s what so good about the best scary/horror/monster movies, they
make us think. They show us what the “monster” is and we get to conquer a fear.
We get to live to tell the tale. We see the thing we are afraid of and we come
out the other side. You can’t tell me that the Stepford Wives isn’t a horror
film, I mean the clothes alone are frightening not to mention the social
commentary. But why are we afraid of zombies and werewolves? There are actually
whole studies devoted to such things and they aren’t as hokey as you think. I
once took a class on the Dracula myth and it was fascinating. And did you know
that the Frankenstein monster was born out of the fear that science was
starting to take the place of God. How does one confront that fear, you tell a
story about it. Now-a-days all we see is some big green monster with bolts who
tap dances or sells us candy, but at the time it gave voice to a legitimate
concern. As a society we conquered the monster and moved on. Or did we?
So what do we fear now? What does that fear say about us or the current situation?
Zombies seem to be the hot monster of the month, brainless automatons that
consume and consume and consume without satiation or regard. Hmmm, sound
familiar? When they first came out, zombies were slow plodding things that
could easily be outrun. I like those zombies. They make me feel safe and superior. Granted, they don’t have to sleep
and are a bit single minded, but still. Now the zombies are fast. Like Usain
Bolt fast. That freaks me out. I like my slow zombies. Slow zombies give me a false sense of comfort that I can reasonably outrun them. But fast zombies mirror the
culture. We zoom and flit. We want more, more, more and we are never full.
Hmmm.
So, the next time you shrug off a monster film as being dumb, stop and think
about it. I’m not saying all of them are high art, but they are scary for a
reason. And for the love of Mike, if you hear an odd noise in the middle of the
night, whatever you do, don’t ask “who’s there? ;)
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