Yesterday
as I was driving past the dentist who advertises cash for Halloween candy trade
each year, I was struck with a terrible craving. I needed something red and
delicious that I could sink my teeth into. I needed a candy apple. For years
mom and I have gone back and forth over which kind of dipped and coated apples
are the best. She says red apples with red candy coating. I say green with
anything but red candy coating. I am still sticking to my no red apples policy,
but I feel myself wavering on the hard candy shell bit as of late.
You
see since we are dealing with my brain, when someone says candy apple, it is
like saying caramel apple as well. Kind of like how the word October also means
autumn to me. So when mom starts talking about that hard, crunchy outer shell,
I think, the poor woman has gone and lost her mind. Caramel, peanuts, and
chocolate are on the outside of a candy apple. Duh, it is candy after all. Thus
begins the war of semantics in our house over what exactly constitutes a
candied apple. My dad wisely chooses to stay out of it altogether. Smart man.
But I digress. Whatever form it comes in, red candy or
coated with chocolate and other bits, they are like my cooking kryptonite. I
can't make them to save my life. All I end up making is a mess. Kind of like
how I can't make pancakes. I can make lobster thermidore, I can cook a super
complicated soufflé and not have it fall, but ask me to put an apple on a stick
and then dip it in something…..sorry, you are talking to the wrong gal. I have
no idea why it is so hard. I have tried making it super complicated just in
case that was my problem. Nope. I constantly burn the candy or get melty
chocolate everywhere. Once I even got an apple stuck to a counter-top and had to
pry it off with a screwdriver. Now that takes talent.....or a lack thereof. I
can't even work those caramel wraps that they sell in the produce aisle, which
advertise they are so simple a child could do it. Well not this child. That
poor apple looked like the elephant man of apples when I was done with it. It
was a complete and total fiasco.
Many moons ago I found a kitchen appliance that is
used only for the purpose of dipping apples into it and having them come out
all coated and delicious and perfect looking. I meant to purchase it because
one, it is a kitchen appliance so I must have it. Two, it involves dipping
apples which is a favorite October pastime. Three, it comes in a very nifty
color. And four, did I mention it was a kitchen appliance? Alas, said beautiful
machine was not purchased. I may or may not have been sidetracked by truffles
that look like pumpkins, Frankenstein heads, acorns and black cats and blown my
allotted kitchen gadget budget. But that is a conversation for another day.
So, when this year came around I was faced with the
age old problem of how to get a candied apple that didn't come from a grocery
store. Now I have nothing against grocery store caramel apples, I just happen
to think they look puny and the nuts are always stale. I was ruined on grocery
store caramel apples by my orthodontist of all people. The day you get your braces
off he gives you the biggest gourmet caramel apple you have ever seen. (I think
to make your teeth go all wonky again so that he can add a tennis court to go
with the pool your mangled teeth already helped him build) It is, or I should
say was, a gourmet apple that was covered with an inch thick candy coating.
There was chocolate of two different kinds, marshmallows, caramel and nuts. It
tasted like heaven and ever since it has been an October obsession.
Sadly, farmers around here don't seem to see the point
in putting anything on their apples other than a pie crust. The "big"
city is really too far away to justify driving to get one and even if I did
drive, I have no idea where I would go to get such a delicacy. For some weird
reason, they don’t have caramel apple sellers listed in the phone book. But
luckily, there is always the trusty internet and UPS. As we speak, apple elves
are busy coating my newly ordered beauties with artistic swirls of chocolate
and sprinkles. I will admire their handiwork for approximately 2.5 seconds
before I begin to devour them like an apple crazed fiend.
But back to the great apple debate that I have going
with my mom. For years she had extolled the virtues of the red candied apple.
She spoke with reverence over the taste, the smell and the appearance of such a
delectable morsel. One day, quite by accident or an October miracle, we
happened upon an establishment that sold these mythic treats. We both bought
our shiny red apples and went out to eat them. Frankly, I'm lucky I didn't chip
a tooth. That candy spackle was so hard all I could do was sit there and try to
gnaw at it like some crazed beaver. In the end I think I ended up taking it
back to my dorm room and whacking it on the desktop to loosen the candy
coating. That part was fun, I will give her that. But mom loved her apple just
as it was. She licked it like a lollipop and made a delightful mess of her face
with all that melty candy coating. Oh my kingdom for a camera that day. Needless
to say, candy apples are still her apple of choice. Truly, a house divided.
I will say this for the red candy coating though, it
certainly is beautiful. Mom said that she had her first one at the fair. The
only fair food that I like are corn dogs and elephant ears. I have never seen a
candied apple at a fair, but then again I have only been to two in all my years
of existence so it really isn't a fair comparison. Food on a stick seems to be
a popular fair food, so I am inclined to believe that they are out there.
Somewhere.
Red or green. Coated in chocolate or candy. Apples are
a solid second to being one of the best October foods. You can candy them, bake
them, bob for them, decorate them, throw them, roast them, twist the tops off
and see who you will marry, dry them, dice them, juice them and make stamps
from them. Any way you slice it (yes, pun intended) apples are some kind of
wonderful.
So
tell me, which do you prefer most, a caramel or candy coated apple?
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