If there were some sort of magical place where everyone got to pick exactly
the kind of house they wanted to live in, I would go nuts. Just thinking about
it makes me squeal with joy. I would be over the moon happy. That’s not to say
that I don’t love where I live right now, but just imagine, money, the laws of
physics, reality, none of it would come into play. You could design whatever
you wanted.
First of all my house would be an ever changing house. It would ripple and
redesign as I saw fit, no need for pesky contractors. Dare I say it; I would
live in a magic house. Some days it would look like a nice mountain cabin or an
ivy covered cottage from the Cotswold’s, others it would more closely resemble
a normal craftsman type home with a wide front porch. But in October, oh man,
in October it would really be something. I’m thinking a LARGE Gothic Victorian
mansion bordering on decrepitude. It would of course have an overgrown vast
front lawn for the wolf man to play on and a long front drive that was guarded
by a rusted out and yet still ornate wrought iron gate. Don’t forget all the
broken down fountains and water features. The frogs and toads have to frolic
somewhere.
It would have several gables teetering dangerously past vertical, hanging
shutters, peeling paint and of course a belfry for the bats. But the inside,
the inside would be immaculate, a reminder to look past first appearances. Of
course there would be a wide grand staircase and suits of armor that talked.
There would be many drafty fireplaces and many, many secret passageways and of
course some of the paintings would have removable eye slots so that you could
peek out from inside the passageways.
Shamelessly stealing from other authors, there would be an underground lair
like in Batman. The dining room would have floating candles above it and a
scene of the night sky overhead like in Harry Potter. Also like Harry Potter
the meals would magically appear at the table which would be set in a Downton
Abbey type style. There would be a secret entrance through a bookcase like in
the Addams Family and all the books would open so that you actually immersed
yourself in them. Want to go to Narnia, no problem. Feel like a trip to Middle
Earth, pack your bags. Like in Dangerous Creatures the house interior would
change with my mood and I would be able to write on the walls with my mind. There
would be four poster beds you could bounce on, many bannisters to slide down
and a spiral staircase that turns into a slide like in Casper. There would be a
big front door which would have talking knockers like in Labyrinth, though they
wouldn’t be nearly as irritating.
But my favorite idea comes from the movie the Haunting. There is a hallway
in it that looks like it has been flooded and there are stepping stones that
are made to look like submerged books. I would have three of those just cuz I could.
Plus there would be a solarium that looked like the inside of Willy Wonka’s factory,
you know, the one with the chocolate pool, edible grass and flowers. I’d poach
Beauty and the Beast’s library, oh oh, and all the talking furniture as well.
I’d have a pool like the one at Hearst Castle and a grand ballroom of some sort.
Let’s just say it would change with my imagination and have floating tables
like in Hotel Transylvania.
In this monster house I’d also have a ginormous aquarium that made up the
floor like in Despicable Me. Plus a room that was nothing but a ball pit and a
room that you could change the type of room it was by spinning a nob just like
in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. Which leads me to my in home movie theater.
It would be set up like the grand theaters of the 1920’s. Movie monsters would
be the attendants and there would be a concession area with every goodie
imaginable. Plus they would serve theme food to go with the film. The inside of
the theater would have red curtains with gold ties over the screen and
balconies and couches instead of seats. A zombie would run the projector
because I’d want to watch movies 24/7 that time of year and a zombie’s the only
one who wouldn’t fall asleep on the job.
Yup, it’d be pretty amazing. Don’t worry; I’d totally invite you over for a
visit. I’d send my driver Lurch to pick you up in the hearse.
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